Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – JAN 31 - FEB 6, 2005
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CRIME
French Police Seize Santa Statue Made Of Pure Cocaine
Looking for group of tense, hopped-up elves.
 
PEOPLE
Scoop: Trump Wedding Marred By Bad Planning
New wife's family blamed; mother-in-law fired.
 
MEDIA
Pressured By Conservative
Groups, PBS Drops Cartoon
Featuring Same-Sex Parents

Will re-edit program to feature heterosexual parents who are bigoted religious zealots.
 
BUSINESS
Budweiser Introduces Caffeinated Beer
Aimed at heavy drinkers who need to stay alert while driving.
SCIENCE
Head of Titan Probe Describes
Surface of Saturn Moon as
“Like Creme Brulee”

Others think it's more like flan.
Tsunami Affected Earth's Rotation, Shortened Length of Day
But not enough to screw up TV schedule.
 
 
Largest Solar
Flare in 15 Years Could Disrupt Cellphone Communications

Thank you, sun.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Survey: Americans Too Thin,
Should Eat More

Conclusion based on interviews with 1200 Jewish mothers.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
State Senator Hopes to Keep
Cockfighting Legal by Putting
Gloves on Chickens

Oklahoma lawmaker hailed as "Cockfighting's Marquis of Queensbury."

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