Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – SEPTEMBER 9 - 15, 2002
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ENTERTAINMENT
Rolling Stones Mark 40th Year
"Hard to believe," says Mick Jagger (2nd from left).
 
 
BUSINESS
Great Time to Buy,
Brokers Tell Clients

Great time to sell, brokers tell girlfirends.
Administration Developing New Plan
To Reinvigorate Slumping Economy

Put more money into hands of those who already have too much.
 
MEDIA
Poll: Media Losing Public's Trust
But then, who cares what the public thinks?
USA Today Celebrates 20th Anniversary
Success attributed to various strengths.
 
SCIENCE
Austrian Scientists: Those Born in Fall Outlive Those Born in Spring
But only by one hour due to daylight savings time.
Lance Bass Space Station Visit Cancelled
Russian Space Agency announces open auditions for a replacement.
 
 
NASA Releases Photo of Hamburger-Shaped Star
Could indicate presence of civilization very similar to our own.
 
Time Capsule With Six Billion
Messages to be Placed in
50,000-Year Orbit

Future civilizations will be able to read our shallow, ignorant thoughts.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Health Insurance Costs Soar
Increase due to hiring more people to solicit new customers, deny claims.
American Girls Becoming Less Active, Fatter, According to Study
Advice: wear dark, loose-fitting clothes.

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