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BOB HOPE
ARRIVES IN KABUL
“So many
cab drivers, so few cabs,”
quips aging comedian. |
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| WORLD NEWS |
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U.S. Asks Taliban to Turn Over
$43 Million We Just Gave Them
For War on Drugs
Taliban leaders say they'll let the
clerics decide. |
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Muslim Protesters in India Burn,
Eat American Flag
Congress quickly approves a flag-eating
amendment. |
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World Community Won't
Criticize U.S.
Will wait until we do something. |
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| U. S. NEWS |
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Greenspan: Economy Will
Bounce Back
Fed chief makes prediction from his Swiss
château. |
| |
| PEOPLE |
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Bill Gates Is Broke, Out of Work
“I never thought this would
happen to me.” |
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 OPEN LETTER TO
PRESIDENT BUSH:
HOW TO CONQUER
AFGHANISTAN
by Alexander the Great
Hi! First of all, you
need a devoted army of
soldiers (I prefer
Macedonians) willing to
do anything for you, and
knowing that if they
don't they're
ancient history.
Secondly,
and this is very important, you
(yes you, Bunky) must lead
your troops into battle.
No riding a golf cart in
the back. We're
talking right up in
front, in the first row.
From what I hear
you're in great
shape (a resting heart
rate of 43!), so this
should be no problem.
And finally, gather all
the gold of Persia, er,
Afghanistan, and melt it
down and create your own
currency. You'll
thank me for that one.
And that's how to
conquer Afghanistan. Next
week: Tips on how to
conquer the rest of the
known world.
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